Pain and Resilience Part 1: Personal Experience

Introduction

Pain is one of the most universal feelings in the world not just for our fellow two-legged homo sapiens, but also for our non-primate ancestors. It is a mixed feeling of frustration and disappointment with the uncontrollable nature of reality. Pain at its apex brings together the field of neurochemistry, physiology, psychology, philosophy and religion. Put simply, pain is a neurochemical signal that becomes a thorny reminder of an aversive experience. But no scientific or philosophical exploration of pain is as valuable as the hardcore one on one battle with excruciating pain in our own real lives. The sweat and tears fallen from a man teach him more than his books and lectures. Experience is our greatest teacher, and he who reflects on his experience is the greatest pupil. (Side note: I use the words he, him, and man not to be sexist or neglect women, but because I imbue my own self in it- I write as if I am the one being described).

This blog is intended to share my personal journey through pain, suffering and resilience. Most people who go through severe pain hide in attempts to protect their self-image and pride. But I believe that we must be genuine to ourselves and accept pain as a core of who we have become. As Nietzche would say:

"I teach you the Overman. Man is something which shall be surpassed. What have you done to overcome him?... All beings so far have created something beyond themselves; and do you want to be the ebb of this great flood, and even go back to the beasts rather than overcome man?"
- Nietzche

The overman is a figure of oneself that strives to use pain to become a better version of itself. To overcome man is to evolve from being a pain bearing beast to a pain dispelling priest. Pain is an experience that not only teaches us to stay away from danger, but also to constantly strive towards perfection. Pain is the ultimate driving force in life. Without it, life becomes meaningless and boring. With pain comes the drive to reduce pain and thus starts the journey of life. Without pain, man knows no boundaries and suffers from incessant indulgence. Thus, pain is required to appreciate painless moments. Painless moments cannot exist without pain.

In this post, I will focus on my journey through chronic pain and helplessness, but ultimate triumph. In the second part of this blog (followed by this), I will discuss the neuroscience and philosophy of pain. And at the end I will propose a path that leads to overcoming suffering and developing resilience despite heap load of pain. I write not for pity or honor; I write to reflect on my own life and be an acute learner from it. 

Personal History of Pain

Let me start with my own journey of pain. For the last year and a half, I have suffered from some serious chronic illnesses. On March 2024 I was diagnosed with chronic sinusitis with a mild polyp growing in my nasal cavities. Essentially, my sinuses were swollen so much that there was a ball of tissue in my nose. My breathing was shallow, and I had chronic fatigue. The worst part was that my facial and forehead sinuses were swollen as well, which meant my entire face was bulgy and I could barely smile or show any facial expression. Nonetheless, it wasn't the end of the world, since I was prescribed a nasal corticosteroid, and the symptoms were alleviating over time. Still, each day I felt this helpless feeling of being tired, having a brain fog and unable to use my facial emotions. I felt pain, and I felt joy, but my face was physically unable to show it. Because the sinuses are connected behind the eyes, my eyes were often reddish pink and dilated. People said I was mean mugging, that I was making my eyes big, or that I was showing a sense of apathy. But in reality, I didn't control any of my facial muscles. The swelling in my face and sinuses created a monster out of me. But the appearance was just one part of the story.

Alongside the appearance, there was also the brain fog- the neurological symptoms of poor working memory, difficulty concentrating or paying attention to social cues and situations. None of these things were difficult for me before, but with my sinus inflammation and headaches, I truly experienced what it's like to be brain dead. The best way to explain it is comparing it to being in heavy rainfall. Imagine being in sunny weather, bright skies and clear water. And then suddenly massive amount of rain starts pouring, and you are left no choice but to take cover under a tree. You are helpless because you never anticipated rain, so you didn't bring an umbrella. You try to run outside the tree shade but get soaked heavy and barely have the vision to get back to your car. In this state of helplessness and chaos, all you can do is wait- patiently- until the storm clears and then make your way back home. My situation was quite similar- if I tried to study or pay attention to a conversation, or read a book, I would only make my head hurt more, and I would be lost in my brain fog- unable to remember what I had just read a minute earlier. Luckily all those symptoms have been relieved now, and I am much better. But reflecting back, I realize those moments were truly painful- physically and psychologically. I had lost my capability of deep thinking and with it I had lost my bread and butter in life.

In May 2024, I travel to Nepal and do the Everest Base camp Trek. Luckily by then, my symptoms had been significantly better. And the trek to Mt. Everest was one of the most beautiful and adventurous moments in life. I was surrounded by nothing but mountains, rivers, long windy bridges and unique Nepali culture. Each moment was worth living. Yet I had made the mistake of not taking my medication with me on the trek. One would think that after all the pain I went through, it is nearly impossible for me to forget my medicine. Yet, you will be wrong- since I did in fact forget my nasal spray and my meds at home before traveling to the airport. On the last day of trek, I come down with severe headache and nausea. The altitude doesn't make it any better, since it only causes slight vertigo and dizziness. Nonetheless, I get to the base camp, each step with throbbing headache, shallow breath and fatigue. At this point, my mind had become completely numb- to the cold outside and to the pain inside. I had reached what the stoics call- apatheia, which translates to passionless calm. One would think this much pain would crumble a soul, but in fact it brought me to a state of flow. I was admitted to the hospital the next day, on IV and electrolytes. The diagnosis was an infection with high white blood cell count. Luckily, I was able to recover in 2 days and went back home in India. When I came back to the United States, I started taking my medication and spray again. However, my headaches had somehow gotten worse.

In July 2024 on a random Sunday afternoon, I get sharp and sudden pain in my groin area. To put it bluntly, the pain was in my testicles. No cause or condition, I am left running around the house with pain unknown to any man. No pain reliever helped that day, and I could barely sleep. All night, turning and twisting to shift weight. Next day, I go to the ER, and after doing an ultrasound, they diagnose a testicular torsion- one of the testicles had wrapped itself around itself, causing lack of blood flow and creating pinnacle level of pain. Luckily the urologist was able to surgically untwist the testicle and fix the blood flow issue. A couple days in the hospital with morphine, and later with oxycodone at home, and the testicular episode was over. They say that pain comes and goes, but when I went through this pain, it felt like I was experiencing unending hell on earth. Recovery from this surgery was unimaginable. Long story short- it took me about a month to recover physically and walk again. It took another 2 weeks for me to drive and assume my regular duties. By September, I had recovered completely and moved into a new apartment. I thought that my life was turning around from all the headache and sinus problems. My breathing was back to normal, my polyp had completely dissolved, my fatigue was getting better, and I had a beautiful new apartment facing the Detroit River and Canada. But things never go well for too long…

In November 2024, I started experiencing tension in my forehead, alongside the brain fog and memory problem symptoms. There were days when I woke up and felt nothing but throbbing pain in my head. I felt no other emotion besides pain for weeks. I started distancing myself from my close friends, family and even work colleagues. Every day at work felt like a nightmare- my colleagues were really nice but I couldn't perform my best at my job because of the headaches. I isolated myself because any interaction with someone else or any social event would give me a headache. I was never an anxious person, nor did I ever have problems with socializing. However, some reason my headaches were so bad, I had to stay home most days. I barely watched TV; I occasionally played videogames to keep me busy. But my screen time was limited because of the headaches and fatigue. I went to work, I took my medication, and I slept for the most part. When I was with friends, I would have difficulty articulating my words, or following through a conversation, because I was constantly distracted by the nagging pain in my forehead. After showing myself to the primary care doctor, the ENT doctor and the neurologist, the diagnosis turned out to be intractable chronic migraines. Migraines may sound like a common condition, but mine was extremely severe. So severe that I lost daily functionality and felt no emotion but throbbing forehead pain nonstop. The worst part was that my grandparents had traveled from India to the United States to visit us, and I couldn't spend quality time with them because I was either too tired from headaches or unable to show any happiness to them. To put it quite frankly, I felt like a vegetable. I felt nothing- the only thing I could feel was pain, nonstop throbbing sensation in my forehead.

The friends I talked to didn't believe me- they thought I was lying or that I was illogical. Some even questioned my sanity. But I know darn well that what I was experiencing was not hysteria or some psychological distress. What I was experiencing was pure physical pain in my forehead- it was a tension headache, most likely due to constricted blood vessels in the forehead. Before this condition, I meditated and read every day. I also enjoyed running and doing martial arts. All of these things were hard to do with my stupid migraines. The physical pain was frustrating, but the limitations it put on my psychological life were even more annoying and disappointing. My migraines were recurring daily, and each morning was difficult. To make things worse- I had scheduled to take my MCAT in January, which meant I was working a part time job to pay rent, I was studying in my free time to take the MCAT, and I was cooking, cleaning and taking care of myself in my new apartment- all while I was dealing with severe headaches. But I clinched my teeth, and bit my tongue, and told myself to be the overman- to not give up. To not let pain shatter my soul- to not let pain make me miserable. This was when I learned the art of being in pain but not suffering (more on this later in the next blog). Eventually my neurologist prescribed me a barbiturate- an opioid, combined with caffeine (fioricet). This medication was truly a game changer. Within a week of taking this medication, my migraines were manageable. But it was too late- I got my medication after I took the MCAT and believe me when I say this: taking a 7.5-hour test while your head is constantly throbbing in your skull, and you're distracted every second by it is not fun- really not.

Nonetheless, I accepted my fate and decided that I would take the exam again if needed be. For now, my health was most important. After about 2 weeks of taking this medication, my migraines were manageable. I was able to socialize without stuttering, without having memory problems, without having brain fog, and without feeling blank. I was beginning to meditate, read and do martial arts again. I started writing poetry, and finally got to the point where I could sit down and write this blog. In the last year, not once have I felt my true self, not once did I feel I was healthy, not once did I feel I enjoyed being in my body. Going to Everest was a heck of an experience, but during the trek I didn't feel myself- I didn't feel the freedom of being in my own body- instead I felt as if my body was working against me, and I had to constantly be strong and put a fight to remain calm.

My birthday, my grandparents' birthday, my parents' anniversary, new year's, me getting a new apartment, me getting new furniture- all of it felt like a hazy dream. When I look back at the pleasant moments in my life, I realize that I was never able to internalize the joy they gave me, because I was overshadowed with chronic illness. I am generally a really positive person- in fact if you read my other blogs that fact is very evident. But last year has truly been the most difficult time of my life. It felt like I was bombarded with health conditions one after another- but I stood there strongly like a tree unwavering and not giving up. From swollen face and eyes to twisted testicles, to constant headaches, to worst brain fogs, I have gone through tremendous amount of pain. But here I sit at my desk, realizing that it is almost over now. I am almost completely back to normal- then again who knows what future has in store for me. My migraine frequency has drastically reduced, my swelling in forehead has also been minimal, my breathing is almost perfect, and my neurological symptoms are almost null. I am more effective in my work and can articulate my thoughts with clarity and purpose. I no longer feel like a vegetable or a helpless victim of a storm. I am starting to feel centered and connected to my core. I wouldn't say I am completely back to normal- but the light at the end of tunnel is visible. Darkness is slowly giving way to dim light, and with it also an optimistic future. Most importantly, I can feel emotions and express them facially. I feel human again- which I lacked for the last year. I can enjoy my time with family and friends, go out on dates, enjoy fancy dinners, and hype up watching sports. I always enjoyed these things- but because the last year has been so painful, I haven't truly experienced these emotions. They are becoming surreal at this very moment.

Last March (2024), I got caught in a journey of pain, helplessness and isolation. Now this March (2025), I have come back alive as a new man- awoke from the dead, reincarnated as a sage, resurrected as a lover and reinvigorated with passion and purpose.

Lessons Learned from my Experience

"The unexamined life is not worth living"- Socrates.

"Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom"- Aristotle.

"The greatest journey is the one of self-discovery"- Lao Tsu.

All philosophers suggest that one's own life is the greatest teacher, and self-reflection is the greatest practice. Hence here are 8 lessons I learned while going through chronic pain.

1. When the body aches, let not the mind ache with it. When the mind aches, let not the breath ache with it. If breathing is difficult, focus instead on the heart, and do best to beat it slowly. How? Constant practice. 
2. At times, when I felt helpless at the whims of my illness, I reminded myself of my insignificance. Several lives come and go each day, who am I to feel special? So I let the natural course of life happen without ego's interference.
3. All things change. When I felt I was stuck with pain, I reminded myself that this moment shall pass too- little by little I was able to get myself out of the mud of pessimism. Joy and sorrow are sides of the same coin- be content in all.
4. All things are interconnected. When I felt ashamed, isolated and helpless because of my pain, I reminded myself that my 'self' expands beyond this body. All things are connected with each other- at one moment the contact of sperm and egg gave rise to my fetus, at another point the contact of my corpse and dirt will integrate me back to the universe. My body and mind are conditioned by things around it, so why believe that I am separated from the world? The self and other are one.
5. Pain and suffering are different - pain is the bodily experience that is unavoidable to any living being. However, suffering is the psychological malady that arises when the mind obsesses itself with getting rid of pain. Suffering is avoidable by accepting bodily pain and tranquilizing the mind.
6. A tranquil mind is like a serene lake or a clear sky. Water in a lake flows continuously despite the obstacles it meets. It does not force its way through them, nor does it shy away. The sky remains vast despite the clouds that hinder it. Night and day, the spacious sky remains quiet despite the chaos in the world.
7. To develop a tranquil mind, one must have a strong body. The body's ailments prevent the mind from achieving inner peace. To develop a strong body, one must strain their muscles through exercise and martial arts.
8. The ultimate key to peace is not to achieve a painless state- pain is inevitable in life. Rather, peace is attained from constant practice of acceptance. Peace is attained by aligning ourselves with the natural course of life and letting the ego flow with the wind. The best of lessons are from the water, trees and skies.